I’m home for Easter. My mom and dad frequent a Cheers-esque bar that has an employee named Anthony who is 24.
My mom: So I always tease Anthony when you’re coming home.
Me: Oh god.
My mom: He’s always like ‘I’m not looking for a relationship.’ And I say ‘Who said anything about a relationship?’ And he says ‘I’m more into one night stands.’ Anyway. I told him you would eat him ALIVE. Honestly. He’s such a lost puppy dog.
Me: Well thanks, Mom. I honestly find that really touching.
Cab driver: And my fourth daughter is the manager at a bank and married to a guy in finance. And my fifth daughter is a dentist and her husband is a doctor.
Me: Oh. They all sound very successful you must be proud.
Him: And you?
Me: Oh… um… I’m a teacher.
Him: And are you married?
Me to Mr. Grinnen: I told the kids about our impending wedding once you leave your wife.
M: Wait. Are you guys getting married???
Mr. Grinnen: Yeah. Duh.
M: Like a real marriage? Or a teacher relationship?
Mr. Grinnen: Uhhh, teachers are allowed to have to relationships too.
(2 Students huddled and giggling)
L: If you can’t say it right, don’t say it at all!
Me: Clit-ur-is and Clit-or-is are both correct pronunciations. But that’s not the biology we’re talking about right now.
A: What? Ms. Sheridan. It starts with a “T.” That can’t be how you say it.
Me: Oh! Tortoise. It’s tortoise.
R: Where is your mind, Ms. Sheridan?
I drove five freshman boys to the FedEx and my car got towed with all their backpacks in the trunk.
So, we all had to walk to the city impound lot to recover our missing property. I’m, of course, mortified.
The mortification is then compounded when I realize we have to all cross the block in E. Baltimore that is lined with all the strip clubs and the jail.
Me: Oh god. Maybe I should’ve led you guys on a different route.
D: Oh, no worries. I know like all the women who work here. There’s Candy. And Sugar. And…
Q: Ms. Sheridan, are you OK?
Me: I’m fine. Thanks.
Weird old man at the bank: Oooooh. I want to stand next to you because you’re cute and cuddly.
Me: (smiling fakely but also unable to hide my irritation)
Him: Ooooh. It also seems like you got a bit of a tiger in you. I like that.
How can a street harasser identify my personality so well????